A conversation with myself

You don’t deserve her

Don’t.

Don’t drag her into your world.

She is doing just fine on her own. She doesn’t need you or anyone.

She is a strong and powerful woman. She can’t be bent or broken.

Unless.

Unless you let her in. Unless you drag her in.

Into your life. Into your world. Into your mess. Into your quiet little hell that you pretend isn’t there.

Don’t drag her in.

Don’t drag her in because as strong as she is, as determined and bulletproof as she has struggled her whole life to become …

You will be the thing that breaks her.

You will do what you always do because you are as brilliant as you are broken.

You will learn her.

You will know her.

You might even love her.

And then brick by brick you will deconstruct her.

You will take her down bit by bit until she is bare, leaving her completely vulnerable.

Then, once you have had your fun. Once you have gotten what you needed.

Once you have gotten what you wanted.

You will cast her aside.

You will break her.

Like taming a beautiful wild horse.

You will have taken away all of the things that made her beautiful in the first place.

Then when she is no longer beautiful you will simply cast her aside.

Because you are you.

Because you are broken.

So just don’t.

Don’t let her in.

Don’t drag her in to your world.

Don’t drag her down with you.

You don’t deserve her.

Why does it hurt?

Why does it hurt me so much to love you?

Why, when I think about you, am I so heavy hearted?

It makes me weak to think of you.

Weak minded like I couldn’t resist you if I wanted to. And I want to. But I cannot.

Weak bodied as if you take the air out of my lungs and the strength out of my legs when your body touches mine.

Weak willed as though I’m addicted to you. I’ve tasted your euphoria and now, no matter how hard I try to resist I am helplessly drawn to you in moments of weakness.

So why does it hurt me? Why does loving you make me experience such intense, almost physical pain?

Why does loving you make me feel so empty?

Why do I let you hurt me like you do?

Why?

Why don’t you want me? Am I not enough?

You torture me with your allure. You tease me with your presence. You know that you have this power over me. You use it to control me. To contort me. To bend me to your will. To make me yours.

You know what you do to me.

So why?

Why don’t you love me ?

I want you

I want you.

But I want you for all of the wrong reasons.

I want you because I am hideous and you are beautiful.

I want you because when I am alone all I want to do is cry but when I am with you all I do is laugh and smile.

I want you because I hate myself but I want to love you.

I want you because I hate myself but I can make you happy.

I want you because I hate myself but I don’t hate you.

I want you because there is an enormous, gaping hole in my heart that all of my light and happiness is uncontrollably pouring out of, but you …. you make me feel whole.

I want you because I hate myself but …

I want you because … I hate me.