Why does it hurt?

Why does it hurt me so much to love you?

Why, when I think about you, am I so heavy hearted?

It makes me weak to think of you.

Weak minded like I couldn’t resist you if I wanted to. And I want to. But I cannot.

Weak bodied as if you take the air out of my lungs and the strength out of my legs when your body touches mine.

Weak willed as though I’m addicted to you. I’ve tasted your euphoria and now, no matter how hard I try to resist I am helplessly drawn to you in moments of weakness.

So why does it hurt me? Why does loving you make me experience such intense, almost physical pain?

Why does loving you make me feel so empty?

Why do I let you hurt me like you do?

Why?

Why don’t you want me? Am I not enough?

You torture me with your allure. You tease me with your presence. You know that you have this power over me. You use it to control me. To contort me. To bend me to your will. To make me yours.

You know what you do to me.

So why?

Why don’t you love me ?

Catharsis

I started writing to try and understand what was going on in my head. I started off with a pen and pad that sat next to my bed. I would write in it as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling and I would try to unravel the curious thoughts dancing around in my head at night. The more I wrote the more I wanted to write and after a while the book I wrote in came with me everywhere I went. I initially thought that it was just a tool to express myself. I only found myself more profoundly confused than I had ever been before when some of these thoughts crept out of my mind. I thought that I was just rambling like an idiot until I shared these words with some close friends of mine. They helped me understand how my words mattered.

Some of what I write is completely abstract, some things will make sense and some things are just fresh out of my mind nonsense.

I hope that other people can find something relatable in the words that I write and I hope that that helps in some small way.